Dear Mom-Shaming Mom,
I was you once, so I get it. I really do. My five children were well-behaved, cooperative, and I could take them anywhere. Life at home was pretty calm, and everyone pitched in when asked. I was a good parent. In fact, I might have even thought I was a super parent. I had this parenting gig figured out, and I was good at it. My children were the people they were because of me. Now, I would never have actually said this out loud, but I certainly said it to myself.
Frankly, this job of parenting wasn't even all that difficult. We set high standards, we followed through, we were consistent, and we added a heaping dose of love. The whole recipe worked well. If a mother was having difficulty, then surely she was using the wrong recipe. (If you go back and read some of my earlier blog posts, you will see some truly cringe-worthy examples of this thinking. I keep them up to remind me of where I was. It's humbling.) I also wasn't shy about sharing my parenting wisdom gained over the past decade with other, less-informed parents. I hope I wasn't too over-bearing, but I fear I was.
And then we had another child. You know the saying, "The higher you are, the farther you fall"? Well, I certainly learned that the hard way. This new child...
This new child didn't seem to understand how life worked: We made the decisions, he was to follow them. If he did, life was terrific. If he didn't, life wasn't quite so rosy. We were consistent. We were firm. We were careful about not rewarding unwanted behavior. We tried every trick in our parenting book; the book that had served us so well up until now.
It took far too long for me to realize that the script we were following was not going to work. If it were, this child would have been made perfect through our efforts. He was not perfect. But neither were we, his parents, nor the method of parenting we were using. We were one horrible, messed-up, imperfect mess, which for a while I wondered if it could ever be put right.
We did end up putting it right, but it was costly. Costly to my sense of what was right in terms of parenting, and costly to how I viewed my parenting abilities. It was a hard lesson, but one I'm very glad to have had.
Because here's the thing. We parents are not in charge and responsible for how our children turn out quite as much as we like to think we are. Sure, we can influence and set a general course, but we are just a part of puzzle. There are still the innate personality and experiences of the child in question. How those things interact with your parenting decides how life is going to play out. What worked well for one child, may not work at all for another. What works well in one family, may be a total train wreck in another. Even if we think we know what we are doing, we don't actually know what is going to work for that other mom.
Now, about this mom-shaming. I don't get it. Why are we all so insecure that we need to point out to another mom all the things she is doing wrong? How does that make anything better? Well, the answer is, it doesn't. That moment you are commenting on is a small slice of life. You have not seen the before or after. You do not know how life is on any given day. You do not know anything about this mom, really, or about her situation. If a medical practitioner were to offer medical advice with the same lack of information, malpractice suits would come swift and fast.
The chances are good that what you are seeing is a mom having a bad moment. We all have bad moments. Heck, forget moments, I've had bad years. If you cannot empathize with another mom having a bad moment, then I've afraid you will have a rude awakening at some point in the future, because bad moments are a part of life. Hopefully when you are having yours, someone who thinks they have it all together doesn't come along and decide to kick you when you're down.
Let's just all go back to the kindergarten rule of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." You may think this mom is messing up totally, but do you really need to say it? Is that going to help her? How many times have people been rudely told they are doing something wrong, only to have them look the accuser in the eye, say, "Wow, you're right! I never realized it!" thank them for their concern, and leave a changed and better person? I don't know about you, but I can't picture that happening.
If you see another mom struggling, wouldn't it just be better to think the best of her, give a smile if you can't manage anything else politely, and maybe buy her a coffee? Be her friend? Get to know her? I know that to do this means you might have to realize some of the things you thought were set in stone were not. That can be hard.
Remember one thing. Attacking another person and showing that person all the mistakes they are making does not make you a better person. Don't fool yourself that you come out looking good in any way. You don't.
Be kind and do no harm.
(No, this is not in response to anything anyone said to me. I'm perfectly content with my imperfectness these days, and probably would say all this out loud to whomever it was who thought to educate me. This was in response to something else, but I thought it would make good blog fodder.)
________________
I also have a new article published. When Your Kid Says, "You aren't my real mom!" Click and share as much as you like. Thanks!
Frankly, this job of parenting wasn't even all that difficult. We set high standards, we followed through, we were consistent, and we added a heaping dose of love. The whole recipe worked well. If a mother was having difficulty, then surely she was using the wrong recipe. (If you go back and read some of my earlier blog posts, you will see some truly cringe-worthy examples of this thinking. I keep them up to remind me of where I was. It's humbling.) I also wasn't shy about sharing my parenting wisdom gained over the past decade with other, less-informed parents. I hope I wasn't too over-bearing, but I fear I was.
And then we had another child. You know the saying, "The higher you are, the farther you fall"? Well, I certainly learned that the hard way. This new child...
This new child didn't seem to understand how life worked: We made the decisions, he was to follow them. If he did, life was terrific. If he didn't, life wasn't quite so rosy. We were consistent. We were firm. We were careful about not rewarding unwanted behavior. We tried every trick in our parenting book; the book that had served us so well up until now.
It took far too long for me to realize that the script we were following was not going to work. If it were, this child would have been made perfect through our efforts. He was not perfect. But neither were we, his parents, nor the method of parenting we were using. We were one horrible, messed-up, imperfect mess, which for a while I wondered if it could ever be put right.
We did end up putting it right, but it was costly. Costly to my sense of what was right in terms of parenting, and costly to how I viewed my parenting abilities. It was a hard lesson, but one I'm very glad to have had.
Because here's the thing. We parents are not in charge and responsible for how our children turn out quite as much as we like to think we are. Sure, we can influence and set a general course, but we are just a part of puzzle. There are still the innate personality and experiences of the child in question. How those things interact with your parenting decides how life is going to play out. What worked well for one child, may not work at all for another. What works well in one family, may be a total train wreck in another. Even if we think we know what we are doing, we don't actually know what is going to work for that other mom.
Now, about this mom-shaming. I don't get it. Why are we all so insecure that we need to point out to another mom all the things she is doing wrong? How does that make anything better? Well, the answer is, it doesn't. That moment you are commenting on is a small slice of life. You have not seen the before or after. You do not know how life is on any given day. You do not know anything about this mom, really, or about her situation. If a medical practitioner were to offer medical advice with the same lack of information, malpractice suits would come swift and fast.
The chances are good that what you are seeing is a mom having a bad moment. We all have bad moments. Heck, forget moments, I've had bad years. If you cannot empathize with another mom having a bad moment, then I've afraid you will have a rude awakening at some point in the future, because bad moments are a part of life. Hopefully when you are having yours, someone who thinks they have it all together doesn't come along and decide to kick you when you're down.
Let's just all go back to the kindergarten rule of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." You may think this mom is messing up totally, but do you really need to say it? Is that going to help her? How many times have people been rudely told they are doing something wrong, only to have them look the accuser in the eye, say, "Wow, you're right! I never realized it!" thank them for their concern, and leave a changed and better person? I don't know about you, but I can't picture that happening.
If you see another mom struggling, wouldn't it just be better to think the best of her, give a smile if you can't manage anything else politely, and maybe buy her a coffee? Be her friend? Get to know her? I know that to do this means you might have to realize some of the things you thought were set in stone were not. That can be hard.
Remember one thing. Attacking another person and showing that person all the mistakes they are making does not make you a better person. Don't fool yourself that you come out looking good in any way. You don't.
Be kind and do no harm.
(No, this is not in response to anything anyone said to me. I'm perfectly content with my imperfectness these days, and probably would say all this out loud to whomever it was who thought to educate me. This was in response to something else, but I thought it would make good blog fodder.)
________________
I also have a new article published. When Your Kid Says, "You aren't my real mom!" Click and share as much as you like. Thanks!
Comments